I Didn't Know It Would Still Hurt....

Today I got an email reminding me that my twins (Whom I miscarried on Easter Last year) would be turning one soon...

I must have signed up for some club thing when I was pregnant and it hasn't emailed me until now. 

For some reason, since I received that email this morning, I've had a constant ache in my heart. Not that I ever forgot about them, that miscarriage was my hardest, but that's the ONLY miscarriage I had that I knew my due date beforehand... I even knew and was very aware that their "due date" day was coming up... I've been prepping for it, and yet, that email just threw me off my groove. I tried to distract myself by getting dressed and putting makeup on and trying to feel a little less like a zombie. It didn't work... I even delayed a project a friend and I had planned days ago. I kind of just feel hallow and I burst into tears at the most random things... Doesn't exactly make for great company.

But a year ago I didn't know...

I didn't know I would still hurt from time to time.

I didn't know my grief would return.

I didn't know I'd still cry.

I didn't know it would hurt so bad to lose someone I never even met.

I didn't know if i would ever get to be a mother to more than Angels.

I didn't know that after all my losses I would finally have my son.

I didn't know I could ever love someone so much. 

I didn't know it wasn't the end of the world.

But now I know...

I know I WILL grieve and I will probably grieve every year around this same time. 

I know no matter how much I prep for the pain, it's still going to be painful! 

 I know even though I have a living and happy baby, I will still grieve for the ones that never made it. It doesn't mean I love my son any less, and I shouldn't have to feel guilty, though I did earlier today (Which only made me cry harder). 

I know I don't have to avoid everyone when I'm having a hard day, though that one may take practice....

Now I know the love my Mom has for me. I finally understand why she does what she does for me. Why she tries so hard to protect me, guide me, love me, and keep in touch. A mother's love is the strongest emotion I have EVER felt.  

And finally,

I know I may have only had those babies grow inside me for a short time, but they will always be in my heart forever.

And that's ok.

Always Smile!

1 in 5

When someone says "1 in 5" what do you think?

I'll give you a hint, it's a statistic.

A statistic I hope you never have to experience.

Miscarriage.

1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.

Recurrent miscarriage consists of 3 or more miscarriages in a row and only 1 in 100 women will have a recurrent miscarriage.

I'm one. I am 1 in 100.

As for the 1 in 5, I am 1 in 5 in a different way. 1 birth and living baby out of 5 pregnancies.

In December 2012 I married my handsome husband Alex! In February 2013 we decided it was time for us to start our own little family. In March and then later in November I miscarried. With both those miscarriages I had no clue I was pregnant until after I had miscarried and I only made it about 6 weeks (According to my falling hormone levels).

On March 12 2014 I saw the most beautiful two lines I have ever seen...

I WAS PREGNANT!

For me, this was the first time I actually got to see the lines and know I was pregnant. I ran downstairs to my husband and I emailed my mom. I was beyond thrilled. I scheduled an appointment with an OB but they wanted me to wait until I would be about 10 weeks. For me, 10 weeks was a LONG time considering I was not very good at making it passed 6 weeks.

When it got closer to my appointment, I got more and more excited. The day before my appointment I woke up about 9 o'clock at night in the worst pain imaginable. I'd had kidney stones but they could not even TOUCH the pain I was feeling. I got up and went to the bathroom thinking I was just passing the largest stone ever, but there was blood... LOTS of blood.

I was doubled over in pain i could barely talk. Once i finally caught my breath I remember screaming "ALEX!"

He jumped straight out of bed from a dead sleep. I couldn't catch my breath again to tell him that something was wrong but he knew. He could tell I was in way too much pain. So, we got up and rushed to the nearest Emergency Room.

It was there that I went through full labor and passed my twins. We had no clue we were having twins and I was crushed. This was my first time really experiencing a miscarriage. Feeling the pain. The loss. The broken heart.

I spent another few hours in the hospital after I passed the babies to make sure there were no complications.

We got home at 1 in the morning on a Sunday. Alex was kind enough to pin up blankets on all the windows in the room so that I could sleep as long as I wanted.

Later that day I got up to grab some food and curl back up in bed when the doorbell rang. It was one of my very dear friends and I had to put on a happy face. She noticed I had an ER bracelet and asked. I was not ready for someone to ask. She was one of the only other people I had told that I was pregnant so of course she asked if the baby was ok. I quickly responded it was just another kidney stone and she left. For the next hour I sat in my bed crying. Eventually I cried myself asleep and didn't wake up until the middle of the night and only got up to eat. That routine basically became my life for the next two weeks. I slept. I ate. I cried.

My friend ended up coming back bringing up dinner. She and her husband stayed for a little while, so of course, the truth came out. I had only told our mother's what had happened and that was just through an email. It could never have prepared me to say it out loud to someone.

One evening when I woke up after sleeping all day, I started going downstairs to get some food. I heard Alex crying and talking to someone so I stopped on the stairs to listen.

He was on the phone with his mom. There he was, crying his eyes out, telling his mom how hard it had been on him to go to school while grieving the loss of out babies.

That's when it hit me. I was being selfish. I wasn't the only one who had lost the babies, my husband had too. I went back upstairs to bed since I knew Alex was coming up to bed.

That night we laid in bed crying together.

This was the moment I realized I was not alone, that I would never be alone. Maybe that is what made my next miscarriage much easier to get through.

So, 10 1/2 short weeks later I was losing another baby the morning of my first OB appointment for the baby. This may be too much information (You've now been warned) but I was able to catch the baby. So, we took the baby with us so they could test it to see why my body could not hold on to even one baby!

A few weeks later we went back in for the news. I was so afraid. Afraid of what my doctor was going to say. Afraid I would never be able to have a child of my own.

You know what she said? 

"All the tests on the fetus came back fine. There was nothing wrong with it. Your hormone levels are great, your uterus looks great, so my conclusion is you are too fertile."

Too fertile?

TOO fertile?

What does that even mean? 

Well, this is what It means:

There was a small study recently that looked at women who’d suffered recurrent miscarriages. It found that the endometrium of these women might be extremely receptive to embryos, allowing even poor-quality ones to embed and survive for longer. So, the women studied were falling pregnant very easily, but the embryos weren’t necessarily healthy enough to survive – hence the repeated miscarriages. The media went crazy with claims of ‘super’ fertility, which makes it sound like a positive thing. However, these women don’t have lots of babies, they have lots of miscarriages.

At this point, my doctor said that I may never have a live birth, but she was determined to try!

Only a few short months later I was pregnant again! Thankfully I had the wonderful doctor I did, she calmed all my nerves and fears. She got me on progesterone and closely monitored me my entire pregnancy. Out of my miscarriage storm FINALLY came my rainbow baby boy! :)

My pregnancy wasn't easy and we had many scares but it was SO worth it!

I hope everyone that is going through or has gone through miscarriages gets their rainbow baby(s). 

There are many people who have asked me how I got through all my miscarriages. My answer will always be that same. I let myself grieve, I cried, I prayed, I cried some more, and I prayed a little harder! I've gone through miscarriages that I let myself grieve and miscarriages where I tried to hold it all in. The ones where I let myself grieve were a lot easier to get through. You lost a baby. A human being. It's going to hurt physically and emotionally!The grieving process is the same as if you lost a different family member. I never needed counseling, but some people may need it! Do NOT be ashamed if you do! 

The reason I am sharing my story today is October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. The entire month of October is to be aware of those mothers who grieve in silence. Today is the day we all come together and remember who we lost.

Leave a link in the comments if you end up doing something in memory of your lost ones. I would love to see it! Thanks for reading and sharing with me.

Always Smile!

Pay It Forward

If you're reading this you probably didn't take notice to what time this post was written and posted.

Well, now you have. 

I can't sleep. I just can't. I guess yesterday's events shook me up more than I thought. 

So, just after midnight, after tossing and turning, disturbing both Alex's and Xander's sleep I decided to get up and get a drink. I guess we left the T.V. on so after I turned it off, I noticed on the the floor, in front of our front door, an envelope. We (well Alex) had just cleaned up the Apartment so I thought it was strange that we had missed something like that. 

I picked it up and on the front was written words from a beautiful Hymn, it said "Because I have been given much..."

I opened the envelope and inside was a gift card for Walmart. Needless to say I began to bawl my eyes out like a big baby. It's seriously a miracle I even have any tears left after today.

So, to the wonderful person who shoved that envelope under my door, 

THANK YOU.

I love you and I promise, I will pay it forward. Thanks to you another beautiful Hymn comes to mind. It goes "Count your many blessings" and I am certainly counting that as one of mine. :)

Edit (10/9/15 12:38pm): Since I wrote this article early this morning I woke up to emails and facebook messages with kind offers to help us out this month. THANK YOU! Words can not express the gratitude I feel to all of you :) I am so grateful that we have so many friends and family that love us and have offered us so much! We lovingly decline all offers of financial support but we promise that your act of kindness has not gone unnoticed! I fully plan to pay it forward on all those offers in one way or another! Thanks again to everyone for the support and loving words :)

Always Smile!

A Letter To My Thief...

To the young man that stole my wallet,

Today started out as a great day. We sold our car we've been meaning to sell for a year now, someone paid for part of my groceries at the store, and then it all came to a complete halt as I watched you run away.

You came up so friendly. You were young looking, about 18-19, and you came to play with my baby. I love it when people play with him, because he is  my world and seriously the greatest joy of my life. I loved that he was being distracted while I unloaded my cart into my trunk. You were playing so nice with him, you must be around kids a lot.

Then I made the mistake of removing my sons blanket from his lap. I always keep my wallet next to his leg. Always. He is always with me really close so I never think about it.

You played with him so nicely, he was smiling and grunting with delight! I turned my back for 5 seconds and you ran.

I have never EVER been so scared in my life. I thought you had unstrapped and taken my son. I was ready to go mama bear on you and tear you limb from limb. When I ran around the cart he was still there, confused at why his new friend had run away.

I turned to watch you run, I didn't understand what made you leave. I turned back to my son and saw my wallet was gone. I wanted to run after you, I wanted to take you down, but my son was far more important than anything else you could have taken from me.

I watched you run across the parking lot and finally toss my wallet to the side of the road. So, I loaded my son up and drove where you discarded my wallet. I was surprised when all my credit cards, gift cards, and checks were there.

You took all my cash though, all of it. All $170 dollars.

I hope you needed it. I hope you use it to feed your family, or pay for school stuff, or gas for your car. I want to think the best of you.

I also want you to know how guilty I feel. I feel guilty that I was not careful, that I was too trusting, that I can now not afford groceries this month. I am so careful with my money. I budget and save and pinch pennies everywhere I can. That money you stole, was meant to feed my family for the WHOLE month of October. 8 days in and I can't even buy an apple.

Thankfully I have food storage prepared for times like this. We will survive this month. But my trust and my heart are broken.

I hope that if I ever see you again that you will tell me what that money was used for. I hope next time you ask for some and I will gladly give you some. I hope you don't steal from anyone else. I hope you know I'm not mad. I hope your situation gets better, whatever you are going through.

I forgive you,
Rikki Lynn Haws

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October it Breast Cancer Awareness month! 

Did you know it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month?
Most people don't!

This is a great month as people raise awareness about Breast Cancer and many people wear pink ribbons or just pink in general and everyone knows what they are supporting.

This month remember to add a little blue as a memory to all those babies that have been lost, no matter at what age!

October 15th is officially a day to remember Pregnancy and Infant Losses. 

Did you know 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriages?

Did you know that 6 out of 1000 babies die before the age of one (after having a live birth)?

Did you know most of those moms and dads think they are alone?

I know at first I did, but I was never afraid to talk about my losses. It was the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through in my life, but in speaking out about my experience I have gained great friendships, given courage and hope to others that have gone through or are currently going through a miscarriage themselves, and I have gained a greater piece of mind.

If you have a blog and have shared your miscarriage story, please leave the link in the comments below! I would love to read your story and have it there so others can read it and find strength also.

I have not yet typed up my full story, but on October 15th I will type up and post my full story of mine and my husband's miscarriages and how we got through! I challenge you (Of course only if you feel comfortable) to share your story on that day too!

You are not alone, you never have been and never will be! 

Always Smile!

Alexander's Three Months Old!

I'm a stay at home mom to the CUTEST 3 month old boy ever! Well, actually I do work a little, but I am lucky enough that my job allows me to take my son with me and take as many breaks as I need! It is seriously such a blessing for my family.

At three months he loves to stand up while being held! He can stand while holding onto things, like the couch or the back of the bench at church. His Grandpa walked at 7 months and his Daddy walked at 9 months so we will see when he walks!

He is quite the little dancer. He just loves to move and groove whether he is standing up or laying down.

He's beginning to teethe... yay... they probably won't cut until 5-6 months though.

He loves going on walks with Mommy and Daddy and sitting in his stroller.

 This is what happens when Xander won't smile at the camera... My husband makes him do the fishy face...

We also officially have a thumb sucker! Considering that I sucked my thumb until I was like 6, I am not that surprised. But we caught the first time he did it on camera! It's blurry but still adorable.

And look at my little helper! Xander loves sitting in his Bumbo while I cook or clean! As long as he can see mommy he's smiley and giggly!

His eyes are still a gorgeous deep dark blue, but occasionally they will have a few brown or green flecks in them, but sure hope I get a blue eyed boy! Oh, and his hair, definitely red in the sun! The new hair that is starting to grow also has some nice curl to it! 

He is now super talkative. He could talk for days and tell you millions of stories if you let him. He growls and screeches and giggles. They are basically the best sounds I have heard in my entire life. 

He can still fit in newborn clothes though he mostly wears 0-3 month clothes and he's still in size one diapers! He's such a little guy and we love it!

That's pretty much it! He's growing and learning and getting cuter everyday! Here are some more pictures to prove it!

Oh and who can resist lipstick kissy pictures of their baby? NOT ME!

Always Smile!

My {not so} New Year's Resolution

I know, I know. It's not New Years. I'm either really behind or really ahead of the curve. I'll let you decide which ;)

Today in church we talked about all the the bad things going on in the world. The wars, murders, racism, the hate, lying, cheating, stealing, and just about every Evil thing you can think of and how everyone is attacking each other on social media. It seems that many people post things just to start an argument.Why?

A scripture came to my mind while I was listening to other's thoughts on the contention. If you are not LDS (Mormon), this scripture comes from the Book of Mormon, whether you believe in the Book of Mormon or not, I think we can agree on its text when Jesus says:

"29. For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

30. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away."

3 Nephi 11:29-30

 After we got home my head was just spinning with all kinds of thoughts about how I could and should protect my little family from all that Evil. Especially being a new mom, the LAST thing I want to do is throw my son in the middle of everything. Can anyone else relate?

Then I got to thinking, Am I adding to the contention?  Am I adding to the negativity? Am I part of the problem?

If I was, I didn't want to be. I DON'T want to be.

So, that's it, that is the reason for this post. The is my written resolution:

I WILL BE A POSITIVE AND UPLIFTING VOICE IN THE FACE OF HATE AND CONTENTION. 

Imagine what the world would be like if we all decided to do so?

This does NOT mean I don't have opinions on hot topics in the world, but rather I will defend my views in such a way that I support things I agree with rather than tear down what I do not.

 That I will not force my opinions on those who do not see things my way.

I will try to keep this blog free of hate and contention the best that I can! I want to post about the positive things in my life and in the world so that this can be a safe haven for all those needing an positive boost! As commenters and readers I hope that you too will keep things positive on here and in your own lives as well!

Thank you for all your Love and support as I plan to spread happiness, love, positive thoughts and ideas to all those who read.

You are Beautiful, wonderful, and strong!

Always Smile!

And So it Begins...

Well, Here goes nothing.
I am ready to become a BLOG MOM!
A Blogger? ME? We'll see ;)
Oh wow... a Mom. ME? I'm a MOM!

When I started this blog two years ago, I had been married about 8 months and I could have never foreseen the journey we would go through!

Now we are about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary in December! Three amazing years with one amazing husband! I mean LOOK at that Stud! Don't look too much though, he's taken. (Sorry not sorry ladies)

Not only do I have this handsome man, but another handsome little man just came into my life about 3 months ago!

How perfect is he? He's sweetest and funniest baby ever and I'm not biased. That's a whole different journey that will need to put in a few different posts. So, you can look forward to that.

I hope you enjoy my journey of the past, present, and future!

Always Smile!