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Thursday, March 31, 2016

The Awful Wait.

I forgot how awful the "conception journey" is.
It. is. the. WORST.

I know, I know, at least I CAN conceive. Seriously, I wish I could give half my fertility to someone who needs it! For real.
If I could could "Donate" some of my fertility I would not hesitate! Super fertility can be great for those who are just super fertile and have everything else functioning correctly. Me, I have it and a lack of a "sorting" system which has caused all my miscarriages and will probably cause many more because there is no "remedy" and "temporary fix". 
I wish there was.

Anyway, back to my conception journey.

The first time It was frustrating because I could get pregnant but I couldn't keep a pregnancy going for too long. 
It was:

Now it's:
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.

The first "Over Thinks" were basically my fear post. 
It was:
When do we try?
How close can we manage two kids?
What if we have twins? (I've been pregnant with twins before)
How close can we manage 3 kids?
Will I miscarry?
Is there a chance of a huge gap?
yada yada yada

That's just a few of the main ones.

Once we made the decision to start trying Satan popped in my life like " HERE I AM. I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M A JERK."
He's snuck in so many evil, fearful, awful thoughts in my mind.
Which means we've made the right decision right?

Anyway, I'm sure everyone can relate to this next section whether you're on your 1st or 20th kid, whether or not you've had easy pregnancies or hard ones, Whether or no you've miscarried or not, Whether or not you need medical help to get pregnant or not.
It's all an awful waiting game.
Here's some of my thoughts on it.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is a "symptom".
Every pregnancy announcement stirs up a little jealousy.
Every "fail" with your current kid turns into a panic attack of "I can't have another! It's too stressful!"
Every miscarriage story makes you fear.
Satan takes EVERY slight doubt and turns it into depression.
Your Pinterest boards fill up with baby pins.
If you're like me, you start prepping, buying diapers, clothes, cute fun little baby things!
You start talking to your husband and say things like "When we have the next kid..." or "When I'm pregnant again..." etc.

And of course, the worst part of it all:
You buy and take 23840852836467052 pregnancy tests.

Did I miss anything? Haha

Always Smile!


Bringing on a storm.

I don't know how many people will check or read this post, but I just need to vent some of my thoughts with no fear.
The only problem... that's why I'm typing. Fear.
Fear is suffocating me recently. 
I know it's Satan's favorite tool. 
I can see why.
He can see every angle. 
Let me show you what I mean by listing some of my recent fears.

Alex and I have started trying for baby number 2.
We figured we can handle babies 18 months apart. Right?
What if I miscarry again?
What if die during a miscarriage and leave my husband and son?
What if I can't get pregnant to begin with?
What if Xander's my one and done?
What if he never gets to be a big brother?
So, there's basically round number one. There's more, but that could go on for hours.
Round two happens when I am snuggle Xander, or having a super sweet moment with him.

Will I ever have moments like this with Xander if I have another baby?
What if I get too sick while pregnant to play with him?
What if I'm NOT ready for 2 babies so close?
But If I wait to keep trying, will I have a huge gap between Xander and his sibling that they will never get to bond?

And then here's more that just come whenever they want because Satan's a jerk.

Xander has an ER visit for eating something he shouldnt have:
How can I be a mom of two when I can't keep track of my one?
What if they call CPS and take my kids away if this happens again?
What if one of my kids die because they get into something they aren't supposed to?

Xander teethes:
I'm barely functioning now, how could I care for two instead of managing just one?
What do i do when two crying babies both need me?

Xander gets jealous when I hold another child:
What if he feels unloved when my attention is split?
How do moms of more than one kid do this?
What if Xander hurts our new baby?

Loading up the car and going shopping
What if i can't shop with two babies and something bad happens?
What if i leave one is the car and become one of "Those moms"?

Then there's the rest of these that just pop up whenever.
What if we get pregnant and have a still birth?
What if the baby has a birth defect and dies?
What if i have a preemie baby?
What if I have a late term miscarriage?
What if i have Ectopic pregnancies and they have to remove everything so i can never have anymore children?

What if. What if. WHAT IF!?

What if I just let God be in charge and quite letting Satan interfere?
What if I prayed more and worried less?
What if I enjoyed the times I have with my only baby, because he may not be my only for long?
What if I did my part and let God do the rest?

So here's to possibly bringing on another storm and hoping we get a second Rainbow baby!
Wish me luck :)

Always Smile!

Friday, November 6, 2015

I Didn't Know It Would Still Hurt....

Today I got an email reminding me that my twins (Whom I miscarried on Easter Last year) would be turning one soon...

I must have signed up for some club thing when I was pregnant and it hasn't emailed me until now. 
For some reason, since I received that email this morning, I've had a constant ache in my heart. Not that I ever forgot about them, that miscarriage was my hardest, but that's the ONLY miscarriage I had that I knew my due date beforehand... I even knew and was very aware that their "due date" day was coming up... I've been prepping for it, and yet, that email just threw me off my groove. I tried to distract myself by getting dressed and putting makeup on and trying to feel a little less like a zombie. It didn't work... I even delayed a project a friend and I had planned days ago. I kind of just feel hallow and I burst into tears at the most random things... Doesn't exactly make for great company.

But a year ago I didn't know...

I didn't know I would still hurt from time to time.

I didn't know my grief would return.

I didn't know I'd still cry.

I didn't know it would hurt so bad to lose someone I never even met.

I didn't know if i would ever get to be a mother to more than Angels.

I didn't know that after all my losses I would finally have my son.

I didn't know I could ever love someone so much. 

I didn't know it wasn't the end of the world.

But now I know...

I know I WILL grieve and I will probably grieve every year around this same time. 

I know no matter how much I prep for the pain, it's still going to be painful! 

 I know even though I have a living and happy baby, I will still grieve for the ones that never made it. It doesn't mean I love my son any less, and I shouldn't have to feel guilty, though I did earlier today (Which only made me cry harder). 

I know I don't have to avoid everyone when I'm having a hard day, though that one may take practice....

Now I know the love my Mom has for me. I finally understand why she does what she does for me. Why she tries so hard to protect me, guide me, love me, and keep in touch. A mother's love is the strongest emotion I have EVER felt.  

And finally,
I know I may have only had those babies grow inside me for a short time, but they will always be in my heart forever.

And that's ok.

Always Smile!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

1 in 5

When someone says "1 in 5" what do you think?
I'll give you a hint, it's a statistic.
A statistic I hope you never have to experience.
1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.
Recurrent miscarriage consists of 3 or more miscarriages in a row and only 1 in 100 women will have a recurrent miscarriage.

I'm one. I am 1 in 100.
As for the 1 in 5, I am 1 in 5 in a different way. 1 birth and living baby out of 5 pregnancies.

In December 2012 I married my handsome husband Alex! In February 2013 we decided it was time for us to start our own little family. In March and then later in November I miscarried. With both those miscarriages I had no clue I was pregnant until after I had miscarried and I only made it about 6 weeks (According to my falling hormone levels).

On March 12 2014 I saw the most beautiful two lines I have ever seen...
For me, this was the first time I actually got to see the lines and know I was pregnant. I ran downstairs to my husband and I emailed my mom. I was beyond thrilled. I scheduled an appointment with an OB but they wanted me to wait until I would be about 10 weeks. For me, 10 weeks was a LONG time considering I was not very good at making it passed 6 weeks.
When it got closer to my appointment, I got more and more excited. The day before my appointment I woke up about 9 o'clock at night in the worst pain imaginable. I'd had kidney stones but they could not even TOUCH the pain I was feeling. I got up and went to the bathroom thinking I was just passing the largest stone ever, but there was blood... LOTS of blood.
I was doubled over in pain i could barely talk. Once i finally caught my breath I remember screaming "ALEX!"
He jumped straight out of bed from a dead sleep. I couldn't catch my breath again to tell him that something was wrong but he knew. He could tell I was in way too much pain. So, we got up and rushed to the nearest Emergency Room.
It was there that I went through full labor and passed my twins. We had no clue we were having twins and I was crushed. This was my first time really experiencing a miscarriage. Feeling the pain. The loss. The broken heart.
I spent another few hours in the hospital after I passed the babies to make sure there were no complications.
We got home at 1 in the morning on a Sunday. Alex was kind enough to pin up blankets on all the windows in the room so that I could sleep as long as I wanted.
Later that day I got up to grab some food and curl back up in bed when the doorbell rang. It was one of my very dear friends and I had to put on a happy face. She noticed I had an ER bracelet and asked. I was not ready for someone to ask. She was one of the only other people I had told that I was pregnant so of course she asked if the baby was ok. I quickly responded it was just another kidney stone and she left. For the next hour I sat in my bed crying. Eventually I cried myself asleep and didn't wake up until the middle of the night and only got up to eat. That routine basically became my life for the next two weeks. I slept. I ate. I cried.

My friend ended up coming back bringing up dinner. She and her husband stayed for a little while, so of course, the truth came out. I had only told our mother's what had happened and that was just through an email. It could never have prepared me to say it out loud to someone.

One evening when I woke up after sleeping all day, I started going downstairs to get some food. I heard Alex crying and talking to someone so I stopped on the stairs to listen.
He was on the phone with his mom. There he was, crying his eyes out, telling his mom how hard it had been on him to go to school while grieving the loss of out babies.
That's when it hit me. I was being selfish. I wasn't the only one who had lost the babies, my husband had too. I went back upstairs to bed since I knew Alex was coming up to bed.
That night we laid in bed crying together.

This was the moment I realized I was not alone, that I would never be alone. Maybe that is what made my next miscarriage much easier to get through.

So, 10 1/2 short weeks later I was losing another baby the morning of my first OB appointment for the baby. This may be too much information (You've now been warned) but I was able to catch the baby. So, we took the baby with us so they could test it to see why my body could not hold on to even one baby!
A few weeks later we went back in for the news. I was so afraid. Afraid of what my doctor was going to say. Afraid I would never be able to have a child of my own.
You know what she said? 
"All the tests on the fetus came back fine. There was nothing wrong with it. Your hormone levels are great, your uterus looks great, so my conclusion is you are too fertile."
Too fertile?
TOO fertile?
What does that even mean? 

Well, this is what It means:
There was a small study recently that looked at women who’d suffered recurrent miscarriages. It found that the endometrium of these women might be extremely receptive to embryos, allowing even poor-quality ones to embed and survive for longer. So, the women studied were falling pregnant very easily, but the embryos weren’t necessarily healthy enough to survive – hence the repeated miscarriages. The media went crazy with claims of ‘super’ fertility, which makes it sound like a positive thing. However, these women don’t have lots of babies, they have lots of miscarriages.

At this point, my doctor said that I may never have a live birth, but she was determined to try!

Only a few short months later I was pregnant again! Thankfully I had the wonderful doctor I did, she calmed all my nerves and fears. She got me on progesterone and closely monitored me my entire pregnancy. Out of my miscarriage storm FINALLY came my rainbow baby boy! :)

My pregnancy wasn't easy and we had many scares but it was SO worth it!

I hope everyone that is going through or has gone through miscarriages gets their rainbow baby(s). 

There are many people who have asked me how I got through all my miscarriages. My answer will always be that same. I let myself grieve, I cried, I prayed, I cried some more, and I prayed a little harder! I've gone through miscarriages that I let myself grieve and miscarriages where I tried to hold it all in. The ones where I let myself grieve were a lot easier to get through. You lost a baby. A human being. It's going to hurt physically and emotionally!The grieving process is the same as if you lost a different family member. I never needed counseling, but some people may need it! Do NOT be ashamed if you do! 

The reason I am sharing my story today is October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. The entire month of October is to be aware of those mothers who grieve in silence. Today is the day we all come together and remember who we lost.
Leave a link in the comments if you end up doing something in memory of your lost ones. I would love to see it! Thanks for reading and sharing with me.

Always Smile!

Friday, October 9, 2015

Pay It Forward

If you're reading this you probably didn't take notice to what time this post was written and posted.

Well, now you have. 

I can't sleep. I just can't. I guess yesterday's events shook me up more than I thought. 
So, just after midnight, after tossing and turning, disturbing both Alex's and Xander's sleep I decided to get up and get a drink. I guess we left the T.V. on so after I turned it off, I noticed on the the floor, in front of our front door, an envelope. We (well Alex) had just cleaned up the Apartment so I thought it was strange that we had missed something like that. 

I picked it up and on the front was written words from a beautiful Hymn, it said "Because I have been given much..."

I opened the envelope and inside was a gift card for Walmart. Needless to say I began to bawl my eyes out like a big baby. It's seriously a miracle I even have any tears left after today.

So, to the wonderful person who shoved that envelope under my door, 
I love you and I promise, I will pay it forward. Thanks to you another beautiful Hymn comes to mind. It goes "Count your many blessings" and I am certainly counting that as one of mine. :)

Edit (10/9/15 12:38pm): Since I wrote this article early this morning I woke up to emails and facebook messages with kind offers to help us out this month. THANK YOU! Words can not express the gratitude I feel to all of you :) I am so grateful that we have so many friends and family that love us and have offered us so much! We lovingly decline all offers of financial support but we promise that your act of kindness has not gone unnoticed! I fully plan to pay it forward on all those offers in one way or another! Thanks again to everyone for the support and loving words :)

Always Smile!

Thursday, October 8, 2015

A Letter To My Thief...

To the young man that stole my wallet,

Today started out as a great day. We sold our car we've been meaning to sell for a year now, someone paid for part of my groceries at the store, and then it all came to a complete halt as I watched you run away.

You came up so friendly. You were young looking, about 18-19, and you came to play with my baby. I love it when people play with him, because he is  my world and seriously the greatest joy of my life. I loved that he was being distracted while I unloaded my cart into my trunk. You were playing so nice with him, you must be around kids a lot.

Then I made the mistake of removing my sons blanket from his lap. I always keep my wallet next to his leg. Always. He is always with me really close so I never think about it.

You played with him so nicely, he was smiling and grunting with delight! I turned my back for 5 seconds and you ran.

I have never EVER been so scared in my life. I thought you had unstrapped and taken my son. I was ready to go mama bear on you and tear you limb from limb. When I ran around the cart he was still there, confused at why his new friend had run away.

I turned to watch you run, I didn't understand what made you leave. I turned back to my son and saw my wallet was gone. I wanted to run after you, I wanted to take you down, but my son was far more important than anything else you could have taken from me.

I watched you run across the parking lot and finally toss my wallet to the side of the road. So, I loaded my son up and drove where you discarded my wallet. I was surprised when all my credit cards, gift cards, and checks were there.

You took all my cash though, all of it. All $170 dollars.

I hope you needed it. I hope you use it to feed your family, or pay for school stuff, or gas for your car. I want to think the best of you.

I also want you to know how guilty I feel. I feel guilty that I was not careful, that I was too trusting, that I can now not afford groceries this month. I am so careful with my money. I budget and save and pinch pennies everywhere I can. That money you stole, was meant to feed my family for the WHOLE month of October. 8 days in and I can't even buy an apple.

Thankfully I have food storage prepared for times like this. We will survive this month. But my trust and my heart are broken.

I hope that if I ever see you again that you will tell me what that money was used for. I hope next time you ask for some and I will gladly give you some. I hope you don't steal from anyone else. I hope you know I'm not mad. I hope your situation gets better, whatever you are going through.

I forgive you,
Rikki Lynn Haws

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October it Breast Cancer Awareness month! 
Did you know it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month?
Most people don't!
This is a great month as people raise awareness about Breast Cancer and many people wear pink ribbons or just pink in general and everyone knows what they are supporting.
This month remember to add a little blue as a memory to all those babies that have been lost, no matter at what age!

October 15th is officially a day to remember Pregnancy and Infant Losses. 

Did you know 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriages?
Did you know that 6 out of 1000 babies die before the age of one (after having a live birth)?
Did you know most of those moms and dads think they are alone?

I know at first I did, but I was never afraid to talk about my losses. It was the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through in my life, but in speaking out about my experience I have gained great friendships, given courage and hope to others that have gone through or are currently going through a miscarriage themselves, and I have gained a greater piece of mind.

If you have a blog and have shared your miscarriage story, please leave the link in the comments below! I would love to read your story and have it there so others can read it and find strength also.

I have not yet typed up my full story, but on October 15th I will type up and post my full story of mine and my husband's miscarriages and how we got through! I challenge you (Of course only if you feel comfortable) to share your story on that day too!

You are not alone, you never have been and never will be! 

Always Smile!