Today I got an email reminding me that my twins (Whom I miscarried on Easter Last year) would be turning one soon...
I must have signed up for some club thing when I was pregnant and it hasn't emailed me until now.
For some reason, since I received that email this morning, I've had a constant ache in my heart. Not that I ever forgot about them, that miscarriage was my hardest, but that's the ONLY miscarriage I had that I knew my due date beforehand... I even knew and was very aware that their "due date" day was coming up... I've been prepping for it, and yet, that email just threw me off my groove. I tried to distract myself by getting dressed and putting makeup on and trying to feel a little less like a zombie. It didn't work... I even delayed a project a friend and I had planned days ago. I kind of just feel hallow and I burst into tears at the most random things... Doesn't exactly make for great company.
But a year ago I didn't know...
I didn't know I would still hurt from time to time.
I didn't know my grief would return.
I didn't know I'd still cry.
I didn't know it would hurt so bad to lose someone I never even met.
I didn't know if i would ever get to be a mother to more than Angels.
I didn't know that after all my losses I would finally have my son.
I didn't know I could ever love someone so much.
I didn't know it wasn't the end of the world.
But now I know...
I know I WILL grieve and I will probably grieve every year around this same time.
I know no matter how much I prep for the pain, it's still going to be painful!
I know even though I have a living and happy baby, I will still grieve for the ones that never made it. It doesn't mean I love my son any less, and I shouldn't have to feel guilty, though I did earlier today (Which only made me cry harder).
I know I don't have to avoid everyone when I'm having a hard day, though that one may take practice....
Now I know the love my Mom has for me. I finally understand why she does what she does for me. Why she tries so hard to protect me, guide me, love me, and keep in touch. A mother's love is the strongest emotion I have EVER felt.
I know I may have only had those babies grow inside me for a short time, but they will always be in my heart forever.
And that's ok.