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Thursday, March 31, 2016

The Awful Wait.

I forgot how awful the "conception journey" is.
It. is. the. WORST.

I know, I know, at least I CAN conceive. Seriously, I wish I could give half my fertility to someone who needs it! For real.
If I could could "Donate" some of my fertility I would not hesitate! Super fertility can be great for those who are just super fertile and have everything else functioning correctly. Me, I have it and a lack of a "sorting" system which has caused all my miscarriages and will probably cause many more because there is no "remedy" and "temporary fix". 
I wish there was.

Anyway, back to my conception journey.

The first time It was frustrating because I could get pregnant but I couldn't keep a pregnancy going for too long. 
It was:

Now it's:
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.
Over think.

The first "Over Thinks" were basically my fear post. 
It was:
When do we try?
How close can we manage two kids?
What if we have twins? (I've been pregnant with twins before)
How close can we manage 3 kids?
Will I miscarry?
Is there a chance of a huge gap?
yada yada yada

That's just a few of the main ones.

Once we made the decision to start trying Satan popped in my life like " HERE I AM. I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M A JERK."
He's snuck in so many evil, fearful, awful thoughts in my mind.
Which means we've made the right decision right?

Anyway, I'm sure everyone can relate to this next section whether you're on your 1st or 20th kid, whether or not you've had easy pregnancies or hard ones, Whether or no you've miscarried or not, Whether or not you need medical help to get pregnant or not.
It's all an awful waiting game.
Here's some of my thoughts on it.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is a "symptom".
Every pregnancy announcement stirs up a little jealousy.
Every "fail" with your current kid turns into a panic attack of "I can't have another! It's too stressful!"
Every miscarriage story makes you fear.
Satan takes EVERY slight doubt and turns it into depression.
Your Pinterest boards fill up with baby pins.
If you're like me, you start prepping, buying diapers, clothes, cute fun little baby things!
You start talking to your husband and say things like "When we have the next kid..." or "When I'm pregnant again..." etc.

And of course, the worst part of it all:
You buy and take 23840852836467052 pregnancy tests.

Did I miss anything? Haha

Always Smile!


Bringing on a storm.

I don't know how many people will check or read this post, but I just need to vent some of my thoughts with no fear.
The only problem... that's why I'm typing. Fear.
Fear is suffocating me recently. 
I know it's Satan's favorite tool. 
I can see why.
He can see every angle. 
Let me show you what I mean by listing some of my recent fears.

Alex and I have started trying for baby number 2.
We figured we can handle babies 18 months apart. Right?
What if I miscarry again?
What if die during a miscarriage and leave my husband and son?
What if I can't get pregnant to begin with?
What if Xander's my one and done?
What if he never gets to be a big brother?
So, there's basically round number one. There's more, but that could go on for hours.
Round two happens when I am snuggle Xander, or having a super sweet moment with him.

Will I ever have moments like this with Xander if I have another baby?
What if I get too sick while pregnant to play with him?
What if I'm NOT ready for 2 babies so close?
But If I wait to keep trying, will I have a huge gap between Xander and his sibling that they will never get to bond?

And then here's more that just come whenever they want because Satan's a jerk.

Xander has an ER visit for eating something he shouldnt have:
How can I be a mom of two when I can't keep track of my one?
What if they call CPS and take my kids away if this happens again?
What if one of my kids die because they get into something they aren't supposed to?

Xander teethes:
I'm barely functioning now, how could I care for two instead of managing just one?
What do i do when two crying babies both need me?

Xander gets jealous when I hold another child:
What if he feels unloved when my attention is split?
How do moms of more than one kid do this?
What if Xander hurts our new baby?

Loading up the car and going shopping
What if i can't shop with two babies and something bad happens?
What if i leave one is the car and become one of "Those moms"?

Then there's the rest of these that just pop up whenever.
What if we get pregnant and have a still birth?
What if the baby has a birth defect and dies?
What if i have a preemie baby?
What if I have a late term miscarriage?
What if i have Ectopic pregnancies and they have to remove everything so i can never have anymore children?

What if. What if. WHAT IF!?

What if I just let God be in charge and quite letting Satan interfere?
What if I prayed more and worried less?
What if I enjoyed the times I have with my only baby, because he may not be my only for long?
What if I did my part and let God do the rest?

So here's to possibly bringing on another storm and hoping we get a second Rainbow baby!
Wish me luck :)

Always Smile!